In Denial

I feel sick now,
I've got a sore throat,
A bloody headache
Some aching joints
A freaking fever.

That's not enough
It just had to happen
That too now,
I was expecting it
I had hardened myself
Preparing for the inevitable
And then it struck
The call came
It happened
Why now?
How?
Couldn't it wait?

I don't accept it
I don't believe it
Not completely
It hasn't sunk in,
And I don't want it to.

I wasn't that close
Not in the ordinary way
But he was there
Always, with us,
I had looked up to him
Respected him,
I guess, loved him
I wanted him to watch
Watch me grow,
Watch with happiness
Watch with pride

He was a great man,
Successful in his own right,
Generous beyond belief
He gave us everything
Showered us with gifts
But that's not important,
Not to me at least.
See for me, what's important
Is that he gave me
My dearest mother
And now he's gone

Rest in peace.

An update long overdue

So I write this blog after around a month or two of resting. I've been lazy,busy and a combination of both of them will explain why I haven't bothered updating my blog. Things as always change and it's no exception that in the last two months changes have taken place. So what has changed?

Well firstly I returned to India in the end of June. Yes I know what you're thinking - again? Whatever for? It had only been around three months since I had arrived in New Zealand from my trip in Malaysia and I wasn't too keen to travel again but for family circumstances I had to return. My grandfather was ill and it was imperative for us to go back. I am glad I got to go back because it would be the last time that I would be able to see my grandfather. Going back was tough but at the same time rewarding and exciting. During the ten days I spent there I felt like I'd stayed for a month - from the day I went back I went to work at my father's office and started visiting my grandfather. Seeing him was tough and I'll leave it there since I don't wish to go into any more depth. It made me grow infinitely stronger and it made me strengthen myself and look beyond just the materialistic side of life. For those of you who are confused about what the hell I'm saying but forgive me I'm simply rambling.

I only stayed there for ten days but I had a full on ten days. While I was in Calcutta it rained like I hadn't seen it rain for a while, the streets were flooded but I have to say it was nothign like what I've been seeing on BBC. I was still able to complete the vast majority of the work required but it just highlighted to me the difficulties in staying in Calcutta. I've often thought about what it would be like to return to reside there but I realised that it isn't as easy as it seems - there are far more difficulties than one would imagine.

I returned to Auckland with a tinge of sadness at the fact that I hadn't really managed to cause a miracle - and that my grandfather was still unwell but that is life. I remember the feeling where I thought that I had so much more to do, so much potential but I had to return - at the same time I was looking forward to returning to my father and brother (I'd basically accompanied my mother). I had a slight stop over at Singapore on the way there and on the way back and it simply brought back a rush of memories from Malaysia - the difference was startling. This time I was travelling on taxi from the Airport (it was actually a Mercedes one by luck) and the last time I could remember I had been drenched in sweat, carrying three pieces of baggage trying to figure out where I was going. Those were exciting times and I missed the carefreeness but at the same time I appreciated where I was then. New Zealand was a pleasure to come back to as always. This time I pampered myself completely - didn't recover from jet lag until I felt like I had to - didn't do anything at all during the week I had off other than sleep and waiting for the second semester to start.

I was looking forward to the second semester - my results from the first semester had surprised me - in a good way especially considering the fact I had missed two weeks so I was confident in my ability to handle five papers. And till date, the papers have been ok - I've turned up to all lectures and the workload isn't that bad just as yet. Yet time just flows. Half of the second semester is over - just another eight weeks to go and then it's exam time again and then another journey begins. I've enjoyed these six weeks - they've simply flown by. I've taken on a leadership role in AIESEC and enjoyed inducting the new members in - it's been so great to see some of the new members join with such positive enthusiasm. I'm basically looking after the people who're planning to go on exchange and it's exciting seeing them keen to go on an adventure of their life. Apart from that I've been busy working on a new business plan which I plan to enter in Spark Aspire. SO all in all, things are going ok... new adventures lay ahead, and so I leave you my friends.

The Ship that sailed away

Ahoy matey, can you see that ship?
It’s sailing oh so smoothly
It’s not the best looking ship
It’s not the fastest ship either
Doesn’t have the best crew either
She’s a little bit damaged I know
The hull’s a bit rusted, the sails are down
But watch her sail, watch her flow
She’s going in the right direction
She’s been through a lot,
The tornadoes, the rough seas, the pirates
She’s lived through it, oh yes she has
But now those days are gone
And I can see them bright days
They’re not too far away
You don’t believe me do you?
You just watch; I’ll show you
I can feel it; I can feel being with her
But it’s too early now, I’m still stuck here
On the shore watching her, hoping
Praying that she’ll survive
It’s not too long to go
I’ll be captain before long
And then we’ll go sailing
Me and her through the pleasant seas
Experiencing the worldly sights
Discovering new boundaries
And yes you just watch
She’ll be the best damn ship of them all.

AHOY there, do you see that?
We’ve got a real storm coming
This one looks nasty, destructive
Oh no, can you see it coming?
Shit, it’s going straight, straight at the ship
Dammit, why couldn’t I see it?
Why couldn’t I predict this?
Here I am stuck on the shore
Watching the ship plunge straight
Into the mouth of a disaster
I want to vomit, this empty pit
It’s swallowing me
See inside me I can feel it
This time she’s got to go, she just can’t survive
I can’t take it though, there’s nothing
For me to do, but to watch her drown
Watch her get torn apart,
And all I can do is stand, and watch her go
Watch all my dreams get shattered
Those beautiful days, those warm days
All gone all drowned in the empty sea
I know what you’re thinking now
That’s exactly what I’m thinking
What a f******* useless captain.

Written by Dipra Ray
All rights reserved.
5th of August 2007

Slightly clogged this blog

Yes it seems like the flow of entries into this blog got slightly clogged up for a couple of weeks. Right so what's been new in my town? Well nothing too much. As all of you reading this might understand it's been that season - the assignment season. Yes this is the time that we all moan and moan and groan about how stupid University is - and this is the time where we realise that University isn't all about checking about girls in mini skirts but rather it's a time to do asssigments. We also realise that it's about time since we start paying attention to our lecturers and we thank the good heavens for our friends who are kind enough to share their answers.

I personally had around three assignments due in the last two weeks - nothing too excessive other than the fact that I hadn't started on either of them until one day before it was due. It took me an hour or so staring at my consolidated accounting lecture notes before I could figure out what the hell was going on - then I realised that I had just been incredibly stupid not to have seen the answer before. However as all things come to an end so did this. Over the week I didn't do anything great - no hot dates, no hair raising stunts, no great philosophical moments - just life. Last weeked we had NZWA - it was actually a really nice weekend. It was held in the University of Auckland marae and it allowed me to relax for twenty fours before getting worried about the fact that I had two assignments due in forty eight hours. But we can all forget for a while. NZWA (New Zealand Weekend Away) was held by AIESEC Auckland and learnt how to do the haka - oh yeah that's right the haka. Also learnt the history of the Maori and how each of the carvings represented something - it kinda shows how little New Zealanders actually know about their history. It's a sad fact that very few of us know about the Maori history here and if we try to introduce it into our curriculum everybody will start creating a huge hoolah about it. This is why we just ignore it - even though it offers an unique perspective into a nation that is struggling to find its identity.
Anyway I won't go on too much about culture, identity or Maori because I do wish to get some sleep tonight.

Not too much going on other than that. Exams are a couple of weeks away so it's about to start staring at more unfamiliar notes and trying to understand why I'm learning all the rubbish I probably will never use. - oh yeah!

My head

I saw her again,

You won’t believe where it was

No, not the canteen, nor the toilet

No, this was a surprise believe it

I saw her again, in my dream

I don’t understand why

She’s not someone I know well

We’ve only talked a few times

Yet I feel this attraction,

Call it chemistry, call it lust

Call it whatever you want

It’s almost so natural

Talking to her, being with her

But c’mon it’s not going to happen

It’s too early, I’m too busy

She’s too skinny, she’s too fussy,

Truth is that all that is crap

Utter crap, the truth is that

I’m just scared, too scared

See I’m cool, I know that

Or so I tell myself

On paper I look good

I’ve got the grades, the money

The looks, and the charm

But see this isn’t about paper

This is about reality

And the reality is

She won’t care about the paper

This is no test, or exam

There is no marking schedule

No way to manipulate the results

No way to know what will happen

See that’s really why I’m scared

What if she just says no

All this self belief, all this confidence

Will go poof, just gone

Vanished into thin air

So now tell me my friend,

When all this is in my head

What the hell do I do?

Written by Dipra Ray

May 17th 2007.

All rights reserved

Running out of time

Well ok I've come to the decision that I will do my level best to add in a lil bit to this blog every week or so. This week went reasonably fast - actually it went too fast for my liking. For that matter time just seems to fly now. There are so many things to be done, so little time to do it - it doesn't help that as time goes on I get a bit more distracted, losing the focus that I used to have. Oh well I'm sure in due time things will work out. The week started off with a test that I had really not studied for, and well it can only go as well as one studies - however I'm hoping that my bullshitting will pay off but I'm not expecting high results. It's odd but now the determination to study, to focus has just slipped away. Is it because I 've built this illusion that I'll do well without studying, or because of the illusion that I think my grades don't matter - but it's complete rubbish - we all know it. Grades are definitely important, they are the things that really make you stand out at the end of the day- character personality those things can be cultivated and developed later but your results don't change, (or is the other way around? I don't know you tell me. Anyway let's leave that behind and go on to this week.


This Thursday I finally gained my full license. Now for most people, that's no big deal - what's so great about a full license. Well for me it was quite a big feat. Why? Did I fail the test before? Not quite but I did fail my restricted license test once before passing. Therefore obviously I didn't want to experience the same hallmarks of defeat and I had been putting off sitting the test lest I fail. I refuse to take driving lessons again, since the last time I took them they really didn't help. So one fine morning I decided this is it - let's go sign up for the test and I did and it was for this Thursday. I was quietly confident that I could pull it off - that I could drive like a granny but have no doubt there's always room for anxiety. It didn't start very well - right at the beginning I turned when I shouldn't have and the guy made me stop and asked me if I knew what I was doing - I kinda justified my turning and it was ok - but at that point my foot was shaking. I didn't want to fail again but this definitely was not a great starting point. However as time passed I composed myself and started to drive like a granny. The end result - I got told off for being a granny, and driving too slow - at that point I thought maybe I'd fail but well nah, it was all good - I ended up passing. Now that was a relief and if only the guy was there to see how I pressed on the accelerator after that... actually no that would not have been a good idea.

On Friday, I attended the SGM of AIESEC Auckland where we elected the next Executive Board. It was quite interesting seeing people run for positions, and it was quite entertaining at points. One of the things that really caused me to feel good, was to see an old school mate of mine go up there and give up a speech and get elected. It was good because it wasn't something he had done when he was at school and it seemed like he had discovered an entirely different side to himself, an older and more mature side. Later that night I planned to go out but well I realised that I didn't have photo ID - on Thursday the driving instructor had taken away my old license and given me a temporary license which has no photo so that wouldn't help.

On Saturday, I went to see a type of function I rarely go to see - no it was not a strip show or anything remotely like that - rather it was a dance performance, that too a traditional Indian performance. Why did I go? Well one of my friends was performing in it and a few of my other friends were also going along so I thought why not - it's a good way to spend a Saturday evening. And well it wasn't actually that bad - Actually it was good and I managed to understand almost all of it - it was a good event.

Other than that the rest of the week just flew past. I haven't had the opportunity to even hit the books - which is starting to scare me slightly - I know I'm good at studies, I grasp concepts reasonably quickly but I still need to spend time - but I'm just so lazy, un motivated to a certain extent - I'm spending too much time on other things like business, tv and just plain laziness. It doesn't help that other people have great expectations of my performance and far more confidence in my own abilities than I do. However I do plan to get down to the dirty work of studying and learning the crap I have to spew out to get the grades I hopefully deserve.. I was planning to study today but then here I am blogging away... ain't that ironic?

The Blog is Back

Yes, it's back - the blog is back. And there's good reason and no, it's got nothing to do with me travelling again. I just realised that it would probably be a good idea to publish a blog once in a while just to keep people abreast of what was happening. So when is this blog going to be updated? Well that's to be seen.

Anyway it's been a while since I've written here so a short summary of how life's been. Bad. Better. Good. Really good. Still good. After first coming back I felt a bit sad, a bit isolated - but that was only for a couple of days and then well I started meeting my friends and bingo. It was only after the holidays that I fully recuperated. Things starting going my way - my small "business" started firing, my lectures started making sense, started meeting my friends and so on so forth. I started hanging out with more Aiesec Auckland people and so far it's been quite the pleasant experience. Overall I think I'm starting to enjoy my life - my grades aren't as great as last year but then again my internal assessments have never been my strength - only hoping that the exams will go reasonably well. But that's not really that important - as long as I keep a decent average, work my ass of over summer I'll be fine.

Today marks the completion of the nineteenth year of my birth. If I have to be honest it's been one of the best years, if not the best year of my life. The year started off with the monotony of University - a vast playground where it's all too easy to get lost. It took a while to find myself, to find my personality, to re find who I was. Let's face it - it wasn't the easiest job. With five papers a semester, twelve hours of tutoring a week, and a focus on academics it wasn't the greatest life. But it paid off. I got to take three months off and those were the three months that really made the difference. I won't go on about them but they were effing awesome. I made so many friends (in Malaysia) - when I came back I thought hey a few weeks we'll all lose touch and bingo it'll be over. Far from it my friendship with them has grown and unfortunately I miss them more than I thought I would. It's great to be able to maintain such relationships and I do thank the almighty creator of the Internet and Facebook for that. Mr Gates, well you get some credit as well for MSN Messenger. But what has changed in the last year?

A fair amount - inside me something has definitely grown, almost certainly matured. At the same time it's not the boring matured person that some may think, but a more excited person who's looking for a challenge. University isn't all about A+'s - it's about meeting new people, about forming new relationships about taking on new challenges. Work will be work will be work. That's all there is to it. But Uni - now that's multi dimensional.
When I first started Commerce and Uni I thought, damn - such boring people - all stupid people all bums doing Commerce - where's the fun. In that way I've been proven wrong - there are plenty of good people in Commerce (the best place to find them is in AIESEC :P) - there are plenty of great people out there, looking for a challenge, for a better world and for a better tomorrow. I'm not bullshitting but there is hope. And based upon this hope I have committed myself to a few things I would normally not.

At the end of the day I think I've done all I could ever want to do in this year. I've achieved the things I wanted and achieved other things I never dreamt of doing. One of my primary, main , really important goal in life is to ensure that every year I live is a better year than the last. Well in that case, this coming year is sure going to be a blast!